the holy and the broken Hallelujah

I want to be able to individually thank all those who have contacted me on WordPress, on Facebook, by phone and gmail and those from home who sent flowers during this renewed pandemic,  also to those virtual friends who support my virtual gallery and efforts,- but I can’t right now. As I have been told, grief can be exhausting and there is so much to do on a practical and legal level when in reality you just want to crawl into a cave and howl. I did begin by writing this message for someone I know and then decided that all could receive it as it really seemed to flow “de profundis “

I so appreciate all who have reached out. My Scottish cousins who we visited are planting a tree in Scotland in my partner’s  memory.  If at some point I am ever able to travel again there are many places, from Ireland and Scotland to  Greece, those places we loved and felt at home, with Selena from Wexford where I could leave a bit of his essence, including our home here in Canada.

The Black Isle in Scotland

 

….Meanwhile I keep waiting for him to come back. I  keep seeing  him in the window as I come up the stairs …

________________________________________

It’s amazing how life can change in an instant. Time shifts and you wait for it to shift back but of course it doesn’t. The universe has rearranged itself.  It is never sentimental and always relentless, yet,  I still feel it is abundant with our wonderful echoes and the poetry of ours and others’ inscribed  journeys, both painful and beautiful.  

Sometimes I’m calm but grief comes in waves and overwhelms me. Sometimes it’s unbearable. Somehow I must find a new purpose but it takes time I suppose. My mouth is silent and full of the stories that will never be told…..

_________________________________________________

If you see me anywhere say hello, though I’m  not sure if my mind will be in one place or another. Slowly, slowly.

Hold those you love  even closer

the book of life- and Nick’s worry beads ( Koboloi)

All the best to you dear friends always and with much gratitude for your kindness, concern and sympathy

The Photographers! How I shall miss that! –

but also his lively politics, his concern  over the children and animals, our debates, ( arguments) his fanatical composting, his respect for medical practitioners and fellow human beings, his spiritual outlook and so much more.

And for you Niko, such a lover of the sea, travel, opera and ballads: I hope you will ever hear the music. I will raise a glass my darling “agori” and listen.

There’s a blaze of light in every word, it doesn’t matter what you heard , the holy or the broken Hallelujah         (Leonard Cohen)

 

 there will be a memorial soon that my daughter is putting together and my humble offering  is here (click)

9 Comments Add yours

  1. I stopped by just to see how things were with you only to read your very sad news. I am so sorry- and I know some of what you are feeling – on this day my husband died suddenly 3 years ago.

    Like

    1. thank you Laura, sometimes it’s unbearable and sometimes it just doesn’t feel real. I remember your post about your husband. Blessings and more!!!

      Like

  2. Janice Benedetti says:

    On Tue, Sep 21, 2021 at 11:28 AM the runes of the gatekeeper’s daughter wrote:

    > the dune mouse posted: “I want to be able to individually thank all those > who have reached out to me on WordPress, on Facebook, by phone and gmail > and those from home who sent flowers during this renewed pandemic, but > also to those who support my virtual gallery and efforts,- b” >

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sherry Felix says:

    My love to you. I know how grief feels. I am still not entirely over mine. My niece committed suicide two years ago and the sorrow she left behind is immense. As you say, it comes in waves. Now the waves are less frequent and last less time. I had less difficulty dealing with my Mother’s passing because it was her time to go.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. belladonnadonna says:

    Dearest

    In the midst of grief’s roller-coaster ride you, dear soul, have summoned the graciousness to thank others in your inimitably lovely style. We share your pain but know that there is little we can do but show compassion and share in whatever way we can; it can only temper IT a little. How glorious you have made the wee bouquet with the beauty of you and Nick in the background. There is no need to reply for we will continue to talk .I hear your “de profundis” and I howl and ululate with you.

    Love DG

    >

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sue says:

    Be kind to yourself, Hannah…. Sending more hugs, Sue

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Adrian Lewis says:

    “Sometimes I’m calm but grief comes in waves and overwhelms me.” – yes, that is exactly what happens, Cybele, we are calm and thinking of other things completely, and suddenly grief races in and takes us. Maybe we know what has set this latest paroxysm off, may be we don’t, but here it is. I’m wary of talking about any generalities these days but I can say that, for me, time has been something of a healer, it has taken the sharp edge off grief. My losses were a quarter of a century ago but I still think about them and wish they were still here. That is how things are. Take good care of yourself, my friend. Adrian

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You need time to assimilate the new reality but you can use the same time to develop your multiple interests he always admired and inspired in you.
    Waiting for new stories, new images, new songs, new dreams on your wonderful blog!
    A hug to you, Glauco

    Liked by 1 person

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